How to Deal with Grief: 5 Ways to Cope Years Later

When someone dies, people say that time heals all wounds, but that’s not true.

What do you do when it’s been 1 year, 5 years, 10 years or more since the person passed away? It’s different for a lot of high performers and high achievers because many of us rarely stop to reflect or feel our real emotions. We constantly move towards the next achievement.

But what if I told you that doing this is dangerous, even if it doesn’t involve the death of a loved one.  Grief comes in many forms and there is no judgment whether you’re grieving the death of a mother, a pet, a vehicle or a career. What I do know is that if we don’t give ourselves time and space to go through the grieving process, we will spiral silently and unconsciously, never understanding why we are stuck in many areas of our lives. 

On my YouTube channel I shared 7 things to do as a high-achiever, over thinker, top performer ect. to help you move through the years after death. I also share a bonus tip at the end and you can watch that video here.

I won’t share all the details here but I do talk about it in my book Embracing Grit for Greatness: How to Become Professionally Powerful through Personal Empowerment, and I also share details on numerous videos on my Youtube channel. The short version is that my mother and grandfather died 3 weeks apart 10 years ago – January 25th and Feb. 16th 2012. I was accepted into the doctoral program that January and I remember sharing with my mother before she passed that I would have to quit my job to attend full-time. I had no idea how that would workout but my mother told me that I had to go. A few weeks later, she passed away. 

My Rushed Grieving Process –

I continued my last year working in the school system and I allowed myself to “grieve” over the summer. I tried to get it all out before starting school in August of 2012. Here is some insight to how I approached the 7 stages of grief. 

The 7 stages of grief- My way: It took me 3 month

Shock & Denial: I fainted!

Pain & Guilt: I wondered if I could have taken better care of my grandfather and mother, could I have gotten better care for them and I questioned if I should have understood the doctors better.

Anger & Bargaining: I was angry at other people who I felt stressed out my mom to give her cancer. I was upset that I had start figuring everything out on my own and become the responsible one after they died.

Depression, Reflection & Loneliness: I skipped over this but it came back with a vengeance.

The Upward Turn: This is when I realized that I could have memories about my mother and grandfather without breaking down but I don’t like this phrase “upward turn”. I didn’t see anything positive about them dying at the time.

Reconstruction & Working Through: I knew this was ongoing.

Acceptance: I did eventually realize that they weren’t  coming back. Intellectually I knew this but it took my soul a lot longer to grasp the concept. 

It appeared that I handled this all well and good year 1 and probably up to year 4. I was preoccupied with graduating from my doctoral program in three years so I couldn’t “afford” any downtime. While there were moments when depression and all those other feelings attempted to surface, I constantly buried the pain. I thought I was healed or got over the deaths because I “did” the 7 stages. But what people don’t tell you is that each stage can take time like years at a time.

As high achievers we like to do things quickly and we are great rule followers. However, grief isn’t a checklist. After a decade (at the time of this article) I learned a few things and I want to share with you some tips to help you avoid making the same mistakes I did. Remember that you can watch the full video on my YouTube channel.

My steps on how to deal with grief years later …

1. Know the stage of grief that you’re in but don’t judge yourself.
2. Lean into good memories of the person (or object/career/relationship).
3. Release any ill will of yourself or the person (sometimes things creep up that have been buried for years).
4. Give yourself space to feel the emotion. If you need to cry, cry! If you’re feeling like you want to be alone, be alone but don’t wallow in it. Your body needs to know that you can honor the feeling and get out of it.
5. See a therapist if you didn’t do this early on or get a life coach if you find yourself having blocks with your goals or other areas of your life. Research the difference and go with what feels right for you.
6. Live your life on your terms and do things outside of your comfort zone to create new memories.
7. Talk to people about memories but not in a pity way and don’t feel like a burden to people. People want to cheer you up and help you but they have to be invited in. Don’t assume people know that you need them.

Bonus – Don’t try to get over it. You will never be the same so don’t try to be. 

DISCLAIMER-I’m not a grief counselor nor am I a therapist. However, I am a solutionist (I help people solve problems) and I am a life coach/advisor ( I help you figure out your own solutions). I have practical, professional, and most importantly personal experiences in helping you feel supported in your breakdowns while still honoring you in your brilliance. I know what it’s like to be confused yet confident, social yet silent, and bold yet burdened. You don’t have to do this alone. I provide a safe, yet accountable space for you to take your superhero or superSHEro cape and mask off without judgment. You deserve to feel more certain in yourself when you put the cape and mask back on to face the world.  I study the work of human transformation and I’ve been doing that well before the “life coaching” industry took off. I just didn’t know it. 

NOTE- When you’re ready:

1. Book a curious connection call with me.
2. Check out this YouTube playlist where I share lessons from my mother
3. Grab a copy of my latest book where I share more stories and tips about life after grief.

You can always continue to watch my videos and follow me on all social media platforms. 

I believe we can heal the nation through education and transformation but it starts with your own healing first. I honor you and I love you.

Remember the world needs you to Be Well. Be Empowered. Be Bold. Be Brilliant.

Until next time,

~Dr. V